Thanks Santa Dearie.

Santa, My Santa:

Oh-la-la I say! I must have been goooooooooood to deserve such treat.

Thanks Santa for not believing in 'em buncha losahz 

who told you I've been naughty. hee-hee...

Thanks, thanks  BIGTIME for the grandest gift in the whole world...

Lotsa' Love from your no-longer naughty believer,

T O N I

P.S. 

There was no mistletoe from where your grand gift brought me, but I kissed HIM, still...

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Toni, Yet Another Pretension?!

And so I fall...

but keep your eyes open

so you won't miss the un-doubled stunt

as I bounce back again

See me leap

higher than

Rodney Mullen could flip

Until then, hold your applause.

CONFESSION

I have a confession to make.

I'm not even sure if I'm doing the right thing broadcasting it here, but hell, since when did I ever care if I'm dong the right thing or not... And I guess therein lies the problem - I DON'T FCKN CARE. 

When the sane thing to do is to care about what people might say sometimes, or take into  consideration a constricting value the spaniards labeled DELICADEZA, I don't... - And I guess therein lies the problem - I REALLY DON'T FCKN CARE!

And so I confess:

I am lost.

I have a void I'm always trying to get filled.

I'm sick in the head. I'm severely paranoid.

I am not as strong as I always pretend to be. I am weak. So fuckin' weak.

Sometimes the witty cheerfulness is just a put-on. The sweet smile, plastered.

The fashion, there to create fake confidence.

The sugarcoated poetry, a code for little redemption.

....and this list continues........................................

Sometimes I just want to let everything cease out. I just want to take a permanent halt --- but despite all the sins I have been committing I still follow God's Commandments, so trying to prove if, despite my numbness, I can still feel the sear as I bleed, is never an option. So I chose to bear the cross.

I guess this confession is a scream for help.

And this is the first time ever that I DON'T FCKN CARE losing my face just because I confessed this.

Thank you for the attention.

My Hundredth Grave

" 

I have so many lives

that I realized how many times

I've died...

" 

-Madonna

LOVE is just a four-letter word.

When Angels Cry 
(Janis Ian) 

Wait Your tired arms must rest
Let this moment pass
Wait until the morning
Close your eyes and you will see
who you used to be
left without a warning
Who knew one so big could grow so small
Lighter than the writing on the wall 

When angels cry, can I stand by
When stones weep, can my heart sleep
Wish I'd never heard, wish I'd never heard
Wish I'd never heard
the power of a four letter word 

'Cause only love will matter in the end
for a woman or a man
What's the difference now
Here we live with bottles
and needles and truth
Here is your living proof
that death cannot be proud
Some say it's a judgement on us all
I can't believe that God could be that small 

When angels cry, can I stand by
When stones weep, can my heart sleep
Wish I'd never heard, wish I'd never heard
Wish I'd never heard
the power of a four letter word 
If ever was a rose that longed to bloom
If ever was a heart that longed to fly
If ever was an angel, it was you
So close your eyes and say goodbye
Goodbye 

When angels cry, I can't stand by
When stones weep, I can't sleep
Guess I've finally learned
Guess I've finally learned
Yes, I've finally learned
that love is just a four letter word
Hope is just a four letter word

Kauna-unahang Tagalog Post *ala kwenta*

Ah.....

!!! 3 V 0 7

nag-aalab...

lumalagablab!

Coin-operated Bitch

Ces't Moi.

Or I might as well be.

The Dresden Dolls have their version, yeah.

And at some-lunatic-times I can very well relate.

I can be it.

LOVE-operated FOOL.

But do not. Do not ever...

blame me 

for doing 

what you want.

You will hear nothing.

Nothing.

Not a thing

from me

A N Y M O R E...

and if ever you'll notice 

the sudden change,

forgive me for shouting this:

THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT, RIGHT?!

Congratz!

The progressive state of your ego

just got you

a 

COIN-OPERATED BITCH!

...and all 'em crazy fans would just say:

The man, with his success, deserves it.

In some yeah, Out some yeah? *Insomnia, you dimwit!*

Can't FCKN sleeeeeeeeeep! I have to wake up (wake up???? duh! like I'm still awake!) by 10:00 freakin A.M 'coz  have a class by 1P.M.

No it's not the Christmas Blends that me and the rest of Team Lynyrd  had to endure drinking ( endure because I have to pass up ordering my Green Tea Latte or frappe, and Lynyrd his Decaffeinated Caramel Macchiato )... *MOTIVATION: we're doing this for...eheemn...charity...and for our fourth Planner...Yipeeyey!.

Neither it is this persistent paranoia induced by feminine instinct I am currently nursing.

I really can't put a name to what it is. I guess I just have to sleep it out...Yeah, like I can!

Aghhhhhhhh! Throw some winks I need to catch! I can't afford an eyebag- removal job at Vicky's!   *eyebag removal??? Sounds weird. Like it's gonna leave a hollow space under my eyes or sumthin...eeeeeeeekkkkkkk!* Wait, hollow space? Call the Grammar Police, quick!

Ah, crazy, drowsy  me.

Still, Actions Speak Louder Than.... errr...BLOGS!

So... Enough said.

I Should Love You Just Enough

I shouldn't love you so much

for then the pain

would be just as much.

I should love you just enough.

I should, I should

I know I should

but I don't...

I don't love you just enough.

I love you so much

that it constantly hurts.

I love you so much.

Stupid me!

Stupid, stupid, stupid me!

Roundtrip Ticket to Freedom

Disclaimer: A liter of red wine and two venti Toffe Nut Latte Frap equal crooked philosophical views. It's like having your tank filled to the brim for free, but with the wrong fuel...TONGOINK!

There are things better left undone...there are fantasies that are better left confined in your imagination - your mind will tell you this when it is at its RATIONAL state... then again there are times when you defy rationality just for the sake of, well, defying it. Maybe to test how thick the lining of your stomach is *whaaaaat?!*; maybe to puff you up like "hey pare, so astig that I can do this! Hardcore!".

Yes, there are things better left undone - especially if they are crazy things... there are thoughts better left confined in your imagination - especially if they are crazy thoughts... then again there are times when you defy sanity just for the sake of, well, defying it. Maybe to escape from reality even for just a while; maybe to test how far you can go and what crazy things you can do.

But hey, if you linger in my boyfriend's part of the world, you'll realize that no crazy things and crazy thoughts are ever crazy... you'll see things which you think are extreme and yes, you can try doing it and fear nothing because you know that you can always get away with everything for in your hands is a ticket. and you can be free, as free as wherever your own boundary of freedom will take you.

The ticket?

It's art.

ART.

and quoting Jeff Tan, "FUCK ART, man...FUCK ART!".

and I say, AMEN!

But hey, we mean it in a very GOOD way! 

I couldn't have stomached doing what I just did a few hours ago if I don't have that ticket in my hands.

I did it for art.

Plus, I did it with a great artist!

If that wasn't FREEDOM, I never wanna know what FREEDOM is.

Meteorite Showers

Once I thought,

Have I ever been a good girl once in my life

to deserve a fulfillment of a wish like this?

I was wrong after all

'Guess I've ALWAYS been 

the badass bitch!

So I just have to keep playing.

Back to MY multi-hued World

Due to circumstances too ordinary to mention, I had the luxury of having my sem. break extended to one more week...but all things come to an end and poor li'l me can't have everything *ugh! I've long come to terms with that!*... So I'll be back trekking the pavements of Mo. Ignacia Avenue and revive my stuck-up g-tec .3... Hurrah! 9 units to go burnin' my eyebrows for, and I'm outta' this phase, so then I could elevate to...uhhhh... HARDER level.

You see I have to wind up my body clock and revert it from default (DEFAULT: Vampire Mode), and that's never easy, I have to start from zero sleep to prepare for the process, you know, much like cleansing the system from toxins which require zero food intake  *uh, okay, I'm just  making this up* I'm really supposed to punch in a formal letter kiss-assing Human Resource Directors so they'd hire me for Internship but hey, I miss enjoying my right as the HRL (for Her Royal Lowness, hak hak!)Princess of Procrastination, so here I am doing what I do...err...worse - pouring my innards out *whaaaaaaaaat?! could I be more gross?*

I've gone bollocks as usual, I guess I have to wrap this up and raid my chaotic closet for my saintly school uniform, then Kiwi up my shoes. You see I have to be in school by 2:00PM and heaven only knows how long it'll take for me to conceal the broken capillaries of my undereyes. And if that exaggerated task won't work, I have to go sporting my clear wayfarers. Or I could throw in some rock-chic get-up to complement my dilated pupils and rich-rogue retinas, I know I always have the balls to break catholic school-dress codes, but not this time, no... I don't wanna jinx MY FIRST day of MY LAST semester in school.

Meriz Mini-World, please be kind enough to welcome me back. I sure do miss you a lot *kiss ass*

This Vampire is Thirsty!

Deny as we might

The symptoms can no longer be ignored

BABY.....

WE ARE DYING!

But let's not quit postponing our farewells, shall we?

Because, honey, I ain't done with you!

Our Parts in HIS-tory.

Look at us,

two smart women

Yet we seem to forget that.

Look at us,

two smart women

yet willing to make

a fool of ourselves.

Look at us

two smart women

spreading ourselves too thin

for a one man

whose worth

we cannot really measure...

We aren't that smart after all.

Grin, bear it...and be fab *Thatta' Girl!

Just because I miss me displaying my crooked teeth,

I'm summoning up all my energies to ...

"open up [my] heart 

and let the sunshine in".

PEE Fuckin' EM ES, Dear! *A Masochist's Wail*

Steaming off.......

steaming effin' off now...

STEAMING F'N OFF!

PMS has escalated to PMDD... no, do not blame caffeine...

What's PMDD for?

 Go WIKI it, babe....

Reaching boiling point .........

Reaching boiling effin' point now....

REACHING BOILING F'N POINT!

BUT OH BOY I lurv IT....lurv, lurv it!

BUT OH BOY THANKS FOR THE FUCKIN' PAIN....

IT'S AS SUMPTUOUS AS

FUCKIN' LOVE...

*burp....Gochisou Sama Deshita!

Bathe me with rhum, I want to dance in my flame!

Oh boy, don't 

fuckin' stop ANNIHILATING ME

YOU HAVE NO F

UCKIN' IDEA HOW IT WARMS MY SOU

L!

ARIGATO GOZAIMASHITA!

Don't stop sending me AFLAME. Just fuckin' don't!

getz?!...kewl!

Now, now, I'll turn the fire off

with my blood...

and my ashes will sprinkle

like hail'

...and dahlen' guess what...

you're the luckiest...

YOU CAN KEEP MY URN.

will think of a good title soon *wink, wink

I Shouldn't have treated these cliche as, well, a cliche...I should've followed it like a mantra and left the celestial bodies which I have a fetish for, do their, ahmm...shining shimmering thing up, up theeeeeeeeeere. 

The cliche:   BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR, IT MIGHT CAME TRUE

Me: .... AND THEN SOME!

...And then some, indeed. But hey, don't get me wrong, I don't have the heart to complain. How could I, when I was just the Davao Province-bred gal who noticed the speeding  growth of her wings and decided her hometown is too constricted a place for her to spread it at its full glory and soar; so dressed in armor and armed with a rusty sword, she filled her maleta with guts aplenty and courage galore...she brought so much, so much she had to pay for the excess.

Those heavy wings took me far. So far I never knew what hit me. But one thing I was sure of, whatever hit me, and however hard it hit my wings --- I always emerge bigger. The forces have to bring it on big time before they can make me back down..then again, they might succeed in bringing it on big time, but  I know I'd still stand tall despite my petite frame. Rawrr! I know ME better, bitch . 

There, there, I got carried away! PMS, yeah, yeah! Pardon me for rendering this post incoherent... I knew I should stick with the be careful what you wish for theme, har har. My grey matter really has another brain of its own, it consistently goes haywire. 

>>>>>.......to be fin..   I'm hungry

But I'm Still Me

If love means losing myself

So I could blend into your soul

I'll willingly let go

If love means losing my soul

So I could blend

Into the air that you breathe

I'll willingly let go

and be alive in you

For eternity

*this much I'm crazy

crazy

*this much I'm mushy

mushy

 

Tadaima!

I am back with a BANG!

BOM! (Beware of me!)

for I am a THORNY ROSE.

Elocution of Hearts

"We don't need words, Love."

When they are apart

they talk about

the birds and the bees

and everything under the sun

til dawn

but when they're together

all they share

is silence

Silence

broken onlyby his

occasional sing-song laughter,

her child-like giggles,

and the look of love in their eyes

With their hands entwined

with their lips joined in a passionate kiss

they don't need words

their eloquent hearts,

now wisened in time,

speak for themselves

Freedom

With you there's freedom

The kind of freedom

that makes me sway

with the wind

in a sheer white gown

The kind of freedom

that makes me

dance with sheer bliss

with my hair cascading in the breeze

The kind of freedom

that sings my

little echoes of laughter

The kind of freedom

that takes me high, so high

til I'm as one with the air

til I become the air

The kind of freedom

that makes me

lose myself in you

3VO7, Effin' 3VO7

With her wounded heart numbing with pain, she asked...

Why sweetheart, what do we have?

"LOVE", he answered.

...and together they shared

the sweetest pain in the world...

Intoxicating.

Like wine...

and tears.

MARIAN LIGHT: The Emperor's....uh...School Paper

This is what WRITER's BLOCK looks like, garbed in pink.

MURPHY'S LAW at yah! --- Just when you needed to engorge gallons of creative juice the most, there the bar has decided to close shop, and the hot hot hot *yes, triple hot* bartenders raised up in arms to join the rally at Welcome Rotonda *whaaaaaaat?!. Haha, what a picture. That's what whack-en-wall does to me, baby..., yeah wakenwol!

Toni, behave!

Whew!, I can only squeeze out so much words lately, so much and I had to slice them up yet...*yeah, like sushi, dipped in wasabi*. o Tabemashoo. And now that I need tons of it (words, yo...not sushi!), it's eluding me...and St. Mary's College' corners are such serene places to hide that I gave up on the foolish notion that the School Paper adviser cannot hear my midnight-blue skirt squish as I pass by, on tiptoes...Hehe.

And I know I can only weave so much excuses to my Debate professor...Now I'm giving up - I've used up the last excuse on the list i.e., it happens sir, you know, have you ever felt that it just happens?

Prof: What happens?

Me: *sheepishly* Shit.

Shit happens... and it's haunting me now, bigtime. I have to summon up the energy to be, well, WELL. To be well. I have to face writer's block in the face and come up with sensible articles (yes, in plural form) for the school paper. This semester is starting to pack its bags and not an issue is out yet. Ugh! Pressure.

I'm going to HAVE TO battle with it tomorrow. I used up my share of procrastination already.

Good luck to me.

P.S. I didn't know I missed prose this much, I laid down a heap of crap *wicked grin* .

Basketful of Woes

Back bent down

heavy heart wallowing in pain

brow pulsating, sweating tears

eyes swollen, crying blood

she's picking up shattered pieces

of what was once her

Half of her says

"give up, you are beyond repair..."

But the stubborn half insists,

"keep going on, heal yourself up...

for when the time comes when you're whole again,

Go and make him whole".

Let There Be Blood!

….she caught a glimpse of her gnashing teeth

on the blade of her samurai sword..

The Bride Named Beatrix Kiddo

With an intricate beadwork

of vehemence on her train

and delicate appliques of

indignation on her headdress,

bodice (is) embroidered with

the finest thread of wrath

and yards of fabric of fury

for her petticoat,

she marches down the aisle

scattered with droplets of blood

on her way to the altar.

Wearing that acrimony gown

complemented with the

bouquet of thorns on her hand

the femme fatale

has never looked so ethereal.

life is....

La vita e bella...

Enough said!

Brave Cowardice

Brave
So brave of me
to battle with
One hundred and fourty-three

gazillion batallion

of butterflies in my tummy

Yet coward
Coward
to look at
the master
in the eye.

Amen, Gertrude, Amen.

Poetry is

concerned with using

with abusing,

with losing

with wanting,

with denying

with avoiding

with adoring

with replacing the noun.



It is doing that

always doing that,

doing that

and doing nothing but that.



Poetry is doing nothing

but using

losing

refusing

and pleasing

and betraying

and caressing nouns.



That is

what poetry does,

that is what poetry has to do

no matter what kind of poetry it is.



And there are a great many kinds of poetry.

---Gertrude Stein

Sorry Dear

I've stroked my pen of colorless ink into the thinnest sheet of air

I've dipped my sun-drenched index finger on the sand

Yes, I have written you a poem dear

I just wonder where it's gone

For I have loved you in my dreams dear

In my slumber, you were the one

But when I woke up, dear, I wonder

Where have you and I gone?

I tried to reach you through a letter

This time I used an ink of rain

I wrote the letter on the gutter

It held my misery and pain

But I guess it didn't reach you dear

So I tried using another one

I cut my wrist, dear, I bruised my hand

For I have to reach you in ways I can

Forgive me, dear, for what I've done